Bingo! 99% of the time I can talk myself out of my corner. busy myself with things, and stuff, or activities. I am ...as they say...in the meantime. That not here, and not there moment in life when you are not what you were, and have not yet arrived at who you are going to be. I am still in transition and trying to figure out Who and what I shall become. I am straining against my restraints and new rules. I am pushing back against this dread disease. And the disease is pushing back against me. I am in a tug of war and so far, there are no winners.

yes, it may have to do with the approaching 50th b/d. not menopause as I did that years ago with a surgical pause. I have devoted my whole life in service to others, and this is supposed to be MY time! instead I now give it in service of this stupid disease. I couldnt find the energy to take a walk today because I was so constipated my stomach swollen and bulging I just couldnt get past the tummy ache. I take enough meds that I am surprised my bowels ever work. it was gorgeous day and I sat inside waiting for things to move along.

I am being held prisoner by this, and as an inmate I am trying to find ways to entertain myself, but no one left behind any toys! Im bored with TV. I cant read with bad vision. I cant drive, I go more blind with the heat when I walk...I could go on and on.

So, for now. im unhappy. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a ray of hope.