Bless your heart ~ I can understand -- I really can.
Have you ever had therapy? I've been in and out of therapy most of my adult life, and believe me it's basically SAVED my life!!! I really recommend it, and I hope you'll consider it. It can be kind of "scary" at first, but after you break the "ice" so to speak, it gets easier and easier.
Please think about it and call a good therapist -- you won't regret it. It will release you from those bonds that are tying you now. Or at the very LEAST it will loosen them. LOL
God bless you and please take care. My prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee