Thank you for your reply.

The supplements I am taking that are aimed at being a more natural form of antidepressant haven’t had a large effect as of yet, but they have prevented very large negative swings. Basically, they are acting as a net to prevent me from descending to the worst of it.

I am aware of many of the causes and underlying mental roots, but am unable to conquer them without outside intervention. It is my fault that I have descended into such a state, though.

Before the start of the melancholia, I noticed an unwanted tendency towards becoming judgmental or condescending, in part due to my performance in school. I didn’t like these traits, but they arose unconsciously again and again despite all I tried. As a final effort, I waged an all out attack on self esteem and self confidence. I engrained measures and processes to hold myself down and thought of any way I could usurp these controls and built in additional defenses to prevent me from doing to. I constructed an elaborate system to shatter my self esteem and confidence and keep it shattered that was made in such away that I could not undo it without outside intervention or solid contradictory experiences. So, at least for me, it is not too difficult delve deep, and being very open by nature helps me discuss it as well.

Hopefully I can continue with my current therapist. They seem to be helping a little, and having someone who just doesn’t want to mask the problem with drugs is helpful. Recently however, they have been a little more disorganized, and when calling me back for something, I can hear sadness is their voice, even if they are better able to mask it when in sessions. I hope nothing is wrong with them and at worst, they just over-extended a little.

I hope that things will get a much better as they can in your case as well. I am feeling a little better currently, at least well enough to buy food and work without my state being too obvious. Still, loneliness doesn’t help that much and tends to aggravate the melancholia rather than have no effect. Perhaps that may change when I can be more active again after recovering from a surgery, which should be soon, but I have little hope.

Someone I know from college mentioned trying to set me up with someone once I recovered. However, I don’t know how that will go since by my age I am expected to know certain things through experience, yet all I have is television and movies to go by. So unless the lady is very patient and understanding, there is little chance, and even then I may feel too bad subjecting them to a fount of despair such as I. Yet, one of the built in keys to breaking the negative structure is the formation of a relationship (the most assailable part of the structure), but it seems selfish to engage in such a pursuit, even if it is the last bastion of hope.

Well, if you want or need to discuss anything or the like, I can do my best to try and help, just let me know.