Dear Mari

I agree to see how it goes in two weeks.

I found most interesting your post describing how you didn't want to talk about anything and blocked her attempts to "unclam" you up. perhaps the weirdness was more about you than about her in a sense... she may have started to feel powerless and the clockwatching was a reaction to that, perhaps not even a conscious one. therapists are human. they are not gods who act perfectly in every situation.

If you're not wanting to talk or not wanting to talk to her, maybe you need some time off from her. And there's a vast gamut of choices here... not just keeping her or dropping her.

I did not mean to suggest you drop her for now, as many who "agree with me" seemed to think - quite the contrary actually. It's just that with such little free time, it makes sense to look around when you have opportunity... just in case the "research" is needed.

i said this to share that after a single bad experience i sometimes get a disproportionately bad feeling that has on occasion led me to
-- take time off
-- consider switching w/ or w/out taking time off
-- consider stopping therapy

The feeling has always settled down. Often things bubble up from it and as the intensity of the "upsetness" fades, i acquire lucidity and perspective on what set me off and/ or why i was predisposed to be set off which is quite different. Typically i have then been able to talk about it with my therapist.

I am aware that you've had this therapist for a long time and have kept her despite the inconvenience because she works in ways that you specifcally sought. If her therapeutic approach is still what you want, then my best suggestion is to take all the time you need to consider your relationship WITH her and what is happening there. If you already have an understanding that you want a TOTALLY different therapeutic approach, then, I think it would still be good to discuss that with her, for closure.

The therapeutic relationship is complex. When blocks or conflicts arise something may be going on at a deep level so deep or painful that we cannot just go in and have a session about it. It is self-preservation.

You may have encountered ways in which she does not work for you or she upsets you, and i don't mean that last session. Sometimes discrepancies between what you want and what is provided can be resolved, if they are brought into discussion.

I wonder if you blocked her because you were too upset about any given issue to talk about it at all..... or if you could already "hear" what she might say and didn't want to hear it. Or some other thing altogether.

Whatever the problem I believe it is worth figuring out, before making a permanent change. Doing so, your therapeutic direction will evolve if it needs to, be it within the same relationship, or with closure of this relationship in favor of one that is more suited to current needs.

If we move on without understanding what is wrong in the here and now, in my experience, the same problems present again sooner or later, in a new package, and again, and again...



i hope yo are sleeping better and feeling better overall. i've been so bad at reading i'm not sure if it's been said someplace. i just hope you are.


~ waves ~
p.s. my therapist does some annoying things. those that were very upsetting i brought up and they were changed by mutually satisfactory agreement. others are more intrinsic, but i have been assured they are not about me nor do they lessen attention to me (my concern). i chose to accept them on the grounds that he is human. i also accept my own annoyance since i can't seem to change that either. we get on with therapy all the same.