I am new here. I remember being offended the first time I heard that I had to help myself. We hear what our filter lets us. At the time I heard "I don't want to help you" but I know now the message was not meant to be that; it was meant to let me know that I am the only one that keeps me safe in the end. It doesn't mean that I don't need help. I stumbled across Pter's words one night recently. It was the first time I realized that others can become exhausted by recurring suicidal ideation and it gave me a new way of relating to it. The beast - yep that is what it is the beast. And again tonight the beast is here.