Hi Erin,

You have been through a lot ... and for a long time, too. And you have been such a great support to so many folks here over the years.

There is no good or comforting answer to your question other than you cope as best you can. You allow yourself to acknowledge every different emotion you experience as being real - - and validate your right to have those emotions - - don't deny them. In many ways, they are your release valve. Try hard to let the negative emotions go for the time being after you have acknowledged them...but be prepared to acknowledge them again as necessary.

Having a chronic illness (at least to me) is a bit like growing old (which I am also doing rapidly!). Things change - sometimes fast, sometimes slowly - but you look back and realize I can't do what I once did...and I want to. The best alternative ...really the only alternative for me...is to do what I can, when I can, at a pace I can. And if I really can't do something I used to do (like for me it would be competitive show jumping horses), I did do it...and I have the memories...and that (unfortunately) will have to suffice.

As my mother aged into her 80's, I remember one day she looked in the mirror and looked at me and said 'Who is that?' pointing at the mirror. I was a bit shocked and scared thinking she was having a stroke or something!! 'What do you mean?' I said. I will always remember her response.

She said that she was trapped in that 'old body', but inside she felt like she did years before.