I have been stuck in a mixed state between mania and depression. I am posting on the TBI page because if I didn't get TBI I wouldn't have bipolar. My doc diagnosed me w bipolar I about six mos ago and put me on lithium. Well, I would not be world wide deploy able in the Marines if I was on lithium so naturally, I didn't want the diagnosis. Well low and behold during the holiday weekend, when all my docs are on vacation or on an extended weekend I need the bipolar medicine.

I have been running, to yoga, out with my dog, working at my parents house to help them pick up after the horrible storms we had in VA a week ago. But I come back to me and what I am. I feel like I am going through the motions and waiting for the end to come. I am not going to make it come, I am just waiting. I sold my Glock. I feel like hot asphalt that just got rolled with a roller, or the embers of a cigar after it had been smooshed out, fading away.

Yet, people keep pushing me to get involved and work and get out. I don't get why they don't get it. I feel like I am fitting to stay alive and they are trying to get me to go do a dumb job like filing....wtf? In my uniform, that is sheer torture, I know I will get out of the beloved Corps, I know I no longer pack the gear to be a Major.

I think I needed to write where people hopefully understand. Thanks.
Hilary