It's the feeling that you LOOK normal and no one can see the fight you're going through that scares me the most, and makes me feel weak and guilty. But I've learned to begin treating myself more gently and not feel guilty for having a bad PCS day. That's hard. I spent many years taking care of family members with anxiety disorders and now I feel like I'm the one who's a burden. That's hard. There are some days when I've been wearing the "normal" mask for too long and I just lean back and tears start rolling down my face and I can't stop them, even in front of my family and loving fiance. There are days I've screamed "It's NOT FAIR!" I know we're taught from an early age to get used to that, but it still feels good to say it. I think part of the trouble is that there's no preparation for this. If someone walked up to you and asked you to give up a life you considered normal along with 90% of the things you enjoy, for any reason, you'd be given time to psyche yourself and get used to the idea and be emotionally ready. That's how life should work. When someone signs up for boot camp and gives up home and comfort, they take time to ready themselves.
Head trauma doesn't give you that. One moment, one second, you have all that feels good and right and normal and then you trip or something comes at you out of nowhere and all those things you had are taken away. So don't be hard on yourself for feeling like an emotional wreck at times. And yes there are those who suffer worse injuries or illnesses than you or I. Yes in some ways we are lucky. But your fight is real too. Remember that just figuring out how to function from day to day, especially on a bad day, is an act of great strength and bravery. Be proud of yourself for that.
So this is what I've learned- you will have good days. Be thankful for them. You will have bad days. Accept them. (Really.) Be gentle with yourself. Forgive your body for struggling. It's a long hard road, and your body is doing the best it can in its own time. On bad days, or even bad weeks, find ways of making yourself comfortable and work toward being at peace with those times.
I don't have the magic date for when you or I will be done with this. But I hang on to the dream with all my heart that no matter how long it takes, I will be finished with this. It may take years- one to two, maybe a little bit more even. But in a way that freed me from fearing it, because "years" is totally different from "never."