Hold on, Lily. There are many here who can relate to your situation.

Life sucks....but only when the life is sucked out of you. I would not suggest following in your brother's footsteps. Give yourself some time to regroup and re-energize.

If you believe your pain is due to a physical illness as opposed to an emotional illness, I would also suggest a university hospital. Physicians on staff there are more into research, and tend to be more curious about solving "mysteries." There's a down side to that as well because even then you'll have to place your trust those physicians.

Neurological illness can be very difficult to diagnose, so it is a good idea to write down all your symptoms.

It could also be, as Moose said, a universal sign for you to work on any unresolved issues pertaining to your brother.

My mother used to attempt suicide often. The rest of the time she talked of wanting to die. The doctors told us she was a hypochondriac and that we should ignore her attention-seeking behavior. I viewed her as weak and pathetic.

She came very close, but she never succeeded in committing suicide. She was finally diagnosed with a very rare illness called familial amyloidosis. Unfortunately, I still believed the Hypochondriac diagnosis, so I never believed her. I thought all her problems (blindness, immobility) were due to her being diabetic.

The last 10 years of her life were absolutely miserable. I actually felt sorry for her and thought maybe it would have been better if she had succeeded in her attempts.

She died 8 days after my father died from lung cancer. I didn't really question why she died because she told me the day before she had a dream my dad was coming for her. The docs said it was a sudden onset of sepsis, combined with a strong will to die. I believed them because she'd been with my dad for 48 years, and he loved her dearly.

Five years after her death, I found out I have familial amyloidosis too. I had an eye exam at LensCrafters, and the optometrist freaked out when he looked into my eyes - told me to find a corneal specialist right away because it looked like I had Christmas trees etched into my corneas. I tracked down mom's old eye doc, and he confirmed the diagnosis.

If mom had succeeded in her suicide attempts, she never would have been diagnosed with amyloidosis. She was the only known case in the U.S. back then.

I know now what mom was going through, and I can see why she felt suicidal. The pain sends me through the roof sometimes. The scary part for me is knowing it's going to get a LOT worse, and the thought of being totally blind still terrifies me because I've ALWAYS had trust issues.

I sometimes fall into deep despair, as witnessed recently. It helps to release all those emotions (fear, frustration, anger etc.), then spend some quiet time (either in prayer or meditation). Sometimes the answers will come to you, sometimes the right person will come along to help you, sometimes all you needed was a little "down time" until the clouds pass and you can see a little joy in life again.