...I 'stumbled' onto this thread.
My heart and prayers go out to you, dear Jan.
Quite interestingly yesterday (7/30) was my dad's 90th birthday and my son's 22nd one. My dear dad is still going on powerfully for Christ as he has since HE was 22 years old, on the battlefield of Normandy, fighting in WWII, and got shot by a German 'burp-gun'. He hit the ground, put his helmet over his head and had a lot to think about...and that's when he made his decision to follow God (it's also the closest he's come to death...two German soldiers came up and poked at him with their bayonets. To this day he says if they'd had any idea he was alive they would have run him through to the ground).

Time makes a big circle and now his grandson turns 22...and is so much the opposite.

My heart grieves for you...I have definitely heard you never 'get over' such a loss.