My husband works in retail so can only manage one day off a week but would be willing to take me wherever I wanted.

I suppose that's a good thing but it's not the point. The time I spent in my car was MY time .. I drive round roads I hadn't known existed, just because I could, and I drove just because if I didn't get away from the house I would kill someone. Lol

The man came for Tootle today .. He wasn't the most sympathetic of people as I stood there with snotty nose and streaming tears .. I kissed him (Tootle NOT the man) and watched as he drove Tootle until I could see that little car no more.

Then I went inside .. Felt that absolute haters and uselessness for myself that we sometimes do, and raked my arms with my fingers till they bled all over the floor.

My daughter came in and gave me a hug .. And a tea towel .. And said "you're not useless mum"

My husband had gone to work but he said it was my choice, I could have kept it had I kept my mouth shut. But aswell as the money, I want a holiday, I NEED a holiday and the money that my benefits went to keep Tootle (£50 a week) will now go in a separate account solely for holidays.

I'm over it now. The self harming helped. And I went to bed and read and slept and am ready for the rest of the day.

Off out on Little Arthur .. I can't call the scooter Tootle 2 .. and going to get a couple of bottles of wine for Hollie and I tonight and we are going to have a big weep over War Horse.

My aim tomorrow is to cut out the morphine and just stay on the tramadol.