Cut the clutter, don’t look back, and progress, it’s a “catch 22” kind of a thing. Because technically in the end, none of It matters; what does matter though is right now. All that matters now for me is getting through this life without killing myself. Yes, I’m still the same person from my last writing (http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread165127.html); however the honey moon is kind of over with the music (still better, just not bullet proof) helping me. Yes I’m alive because of it and got to experience a lot of great things in the last 5 years, however I did not progress on some things and now I’m paying for it dearly.

My current life is ok (outside of being in a dictator ship environment for most of the week), but I know in the long run, my life will end. Even though I live by my favorite quote which is – “life doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be lived (easier said than done).” I’m trying to move forward, but it is extremely difficult on some things, because of how bad the economy is. The good part is; I'm pretty certain my life will be ok if I can accomplish a couple of things. I know I have to make leaps, sacrifices, and do risk that are out of my comfort zone or else the game of life is over for me. Because in the long run they will help; weather I fail or succeed. I have no problem failing (a lot better than being in a dictator ship environment), because I know that one day I’ll die anyways.

I got a dog which has been great, also I got a Roommate both can be good at times, but at the same time it brings some frustration that I wasn’t considering. And this has brought some mania back.

I’m at a point now where all things I’ve done in the past don’t matter. I've kept a journal over the years, and I erased all of the bad stuff, and kept all of the good things that have happened in the last 5 years which helps.

I have a new goal – that is to get through life without killing myself, if things don’t change then I probably will after both of my parents ( both of who I love so much) pass away (I hope not for a long time). One thing I respect more than anything is “a parent should never have to bury their kid.”

Does anything really matter what I do? Yes and no, however it will get me through this life without killing myself. It’s pretty funny when I think after i'm done thinking of killing myself. Cant explain it, but I just go over well I could do this and this and etc......

I mean no disrespect by this, but I often wish I would get murdered (as long as it’s quick and painless), or die by a freak accident (lighting, something falling out of the sky, or etc as long as it doesn’t affect anyone).

I’m Up against the world and I’m dying a slow painful death that I'm starting to see. The good thing is, I still have good weeks, but they are tarnishing month by month. I guess Ill just have to wait and see (I've been doing this for ages, and it gets me no where). This world is full of backstabbers, and people that want to take advantage of people, and i'm also getting sick and tired of that aspect of life as well.