I have soooooo much on my mind!!

The nine month anniversary of my concussion was Thursday, I turned 15 the previous Tuesday, my boyfriend and I's one year is coming up, but the most thought about thing is school that oh I don't know is in LESS THAN 3 WEEKS!

I've been pretty busy, but in a good way! Not to mention in physical pain and emotional pain as well. I've had so many of my thoughts put into thinking about school.

In genereal, not only is there no one I know who knows what I'm going through, there isn't anyone that I can talk to with out getting frustrated with! I would talk more on here but it takes a lot out of me! Plus I get really weird where I feel like I'm selfish if I talk about my struggles, pain, fears, worries, complaints, etc.

I cry every time softball comes up. I'm already tearing up just typing about it. Softball truly has always been my love. I've always been the biggest overachiever at everything, but softball was just my calling.

There isn't a day that goes by that I want to get back on that field. Or back in the chorus room. Or wake up for the first time in so long with out a headache. Or be able to read a book. Or be lifted of all the stresses and pain and agony and hardship. Or feel like a teenager again.

But that's the thing. I've had to learn quick that I can't control my situation. I used to be able to control it. It's alllllll about control.

I can't control my pain level. I can't control how much I'm able to do. I can't control not being able to get back out on that field. I can't control my symptoms. I can't control not being able to do most things in fear of overstimulation. I can't control not being able to do thing because of risk of another concussion.

I CAN'T CONTROL MY CONCUSSION.

The worst part is, I know I can't control it. But it breaks my heart over and over again every time. I know I can't get back on that field which is the most devastating part. I try to remind myself how far I've come. But in all honesty, it almost doesn't matter because I'm still controlled by my concussion in so many ways.

"Over achievers have the worst time with concussions."

You are d*mn right they do!!!! You name it and I've been a part of it. And each one of those things I now cannot control!

I just can't take it anymore. I have a positive outlook on everything but I feel so negative lately. I should be grateful. I should be appreciative. I am soooooo much of both.

I feel like I can't have a bad day or bad thoughts or else I'm selfish and looking at things the wrong way. I know that I should be able to but I can't. I know that there is worse than me. In all honesty though there is a LOT better which is the only reason I'm an ounce ok with having bad thoughts.

Gahhhh I have so much to talk about but I need some time to think and settle down. I love you guys.

I feel like I talk the talk when it comes to keeping your head up high and when I have a second of my head down low I'm a hypocrit and such.

Goodnight though.