...has made me think.And if I were to be honest...[up until now I have given little by way of deep thought as to the implecations PD has for my future] Rather I have dodged and twisted,accomodated each new change in my body,fought for strategies to manage every little change that is occurring now on a daily basis...and have just sort of "accepted" that THAT is how my life will continue with this disease.
But continuing my sentence...if I were to be sickeningly honest,look at PD in it`s rawest ,ugliest state...it is a disease that aims to catch you out,it tries to outwit you.Just when you think you`ve got a grip on managing yet another symptom,another loss of muscle control...when you think you`ve discovered a sleeping/resting/standing position that affords you a modicum of dignity,brief respite from pain,when you allow your guard to drop and deliver a hint of a smile that you`ve "cracked" it...this insidious worm venemously homes in on another piece of you,and works it`s destruction.
It is this facet of the disease,this "unknown" quantity...this unpredictability,this cycle of ; reallisation that today something feels more difficult than yesterday...then mentally accepting it...next comes the coping strategy...the trying out of various mechanisms until you hit on the right tool for the job..and then...the next day,starting the whole exhaustive process again.
Despite my burst of energy...despite my delight in re-visiting briefly,the things I could once do with ease,and kidding myself that somehow I might just dare to hope that THIS TIME...I won`t see my abilities to iron,cook blah blah blah...slip away yet again...but that I will,instead, remain permanently "able.". ..I know in my heart that PD is not a permanent,dependable state that you can ever be at ease with.
So folks..what do we do? What indeed are our choices?
Do we give ourselves a break,and give in,accept defeat,let this worm take over?
Or do we continue in our attempts to stay one step ahead? Or leastways aim to keep up with it?
Sadly we know all too well the meaning of the phrase "Think what tomorrow might bring" and it sure ain`t going to be something that has us jumping up and down with joy.
But you know what? While ever I can still smile...while ever I can gush over banal things like doing the household chores,it keeps me in tune with normality.I still have that thread of hope and that feeds my grim determination.
Reflecting? I don`t like it. It brings into touch the harsh,cold reality of this s*** of an illness.And if I think too hard,analyse too deeply...I will curl up and admit defeat.
Sorry...just fell into this mode of thought....just wanted to share.
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