Dear Burton
i am so sorry to hear you are suffering and struggling to such an extent. I do recall your last writing you were in a much stronger place. What I can tell you is I've spent long periods feeling my life was in slow decline and wanted not to wake up... those periods ended. So now when I find myself in such a time, I tell myself, probably it will end sooner or later (and not meaning by death). Take heart. You may find yourself in a stronger place again sooner than you expect. I say this not to diminish the difficulties you face as I understand they are completely real. Simply I say to you there is hope, and if you have lost touch with hope for now, in any case I and I know others here at the forum have hope your behalf.
I hear you mentioning the return of mania, but sometimes mania is not "clean." you sound like you have some very severe depression, and maybe some mania pops up in the middle of that too, creating mixed states? Those are very hard to deal with indeed. The hardest, actually.
I wonder if you have a counselor and if not i hope you'll consider seeking one out. in your current situation i'd go so far as to recommend weekly or at least biweekly sessions... because of how much is going on both internally (emotionally) and externally in your life.
Mari has some good suggestions as to reaching out and organizations that could be helpful and not costly.
I also agree with her on spending some time alone in nature if possible. Do five senses exercises with nature...
-- feel the ground beneath your feet, raindrops falling, the breeze against your cheek, its temperature
-- see the broadness of the sky, the horizon, a sunset, intricate patterns in plants
-- hear the wind blow and the trees rustle, the birds sing, the insects chitter
-- smell scented flowers, cut grass, the air after it has rained
-- taste ... i'm a bit lost on this one, i don't suggest eating random greenery. you could take a fruit with you and eat that. that could count.
Excerpts from
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann 1927
Quote:
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
.
.
.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
|
Quote:
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
|
sending good thoughts to you
~ waves ~