I started my internship. I thought I found an oasis w the park service. I do like the people, what they do and working for them. The problem is that they are in DC. I CAN'T DO THE COMMUTE. I cannot do it in a car, in a train, on a bus, I can only do it if someone drives me with my service dog.

The other HUGE thing is that the first day of my job, the guy that is showing me around and getting my creds set up took me to lunch with another woman. She called my dog fat. She was crass all around. Anyway a huge part of my PTSD is from my ex husband, he drained the transmission fluid out of my car, he would get really drunk, get out his 45 and wave it around and tell me that he should kill me. So the lady, in the first 15 minutes of sitting down with her she says " hey, do you know so and so (my ex)." she said he had a dog just like mine. No ****, the dog we got on out honeymoon, the dog that I had to leave because my husband was soooo abusive after 5 mos of marriage I volunteered to go to iraq ant told him that if he wanted to start acting like a husband, I would be back from Iraq in 13 mos. never heard from him.

Since then, I have looked over my shoulder, did double takes of the cars/motorcycles he drove. Been paranoid of calls from private numbers because that is how he got in touch with me before. I am scared.

So when the lady asked me if I knew my ex initially I played it off like I didn't. But then I said to myself, no....I deserve to tell her. So I said "yes, I do know him and he is the reason for a whole lot of my PTSD and I really need you to respect my privacy and not tell your husband (one of my ex's best friends). I told her I have spent six years getting away from that situation, and I don't want him to know anything about me nor do I him. So mysteriously I get a text from another one of my ex's best friends. The guy showing me the ropes at work is very good friends with this woman so I can't trust him. She violated my trust. There is no way that was a coincidence, a text from a guy I haven't heard from in years. My ex and all these friends of him were Force Recon, and very close and crazy too. So I don't trust that *****, the guy showing me around. Oh and the woman's husband will be working there too soon.I just want to work in the woods, in nature with my dog at peace.

I just can't even think about going back in the city, I can't do it. It is black when I think about it. It is contrary to everything I have been working on.

Two nice things I have to report about it...I tried on my ranger uniform with the fine smokey bear hat and I learned how wonderful the people of DC are. I usually watch the news and never go into the city so I thought it was bad.

Went to the doc yesterday and sobbed, felt so good. I am going back today for social worker.

I am so exhausted and trying to keep track of my behaviors for mania. I am very irritable. So *edit* moron pet my dog at Costco. I went off on the guy. I said "do you have kids? Can I pet your kids on the head? You don't know what is wrong with me. He said well I love dogs. I said"do you know how many times a day I hear that? I don't care what you love. What I want to do is get my groceries and get out of here. I get so ******. Prob not good for me to be driving. Oh and I am finally quitting cigars. Yesterday was day 1!

I really need feedback-- sorry this is long.