Thanks for the warm welcome, and while I feel remorse for anyone feeling what I feel I can't deny wishing others existed that know my hell. Maybe it has more to do with feeling alone with a foot on fire but no smoke or perhaps it is a resentful response to suffering and being told "deal with it or we'll cut it off" but either route still leaves the guilt of hoping to talk to others that know.
I obviously have pain from the original injury but have never wanted sympathy or even for others to know I had been injured and so never had a team for the pain, only surgeons that performed a half dozen fruitless surgeries. Wincing in mid conversation makes it impossible to hide at times, as well as the stumbles and trouble with hiding a limp so I've mentioned the problem far more than I've wanted. Especially to myself. Told myself I deserve the pain, that I'm weak for it to bother me so much, that I'd be better off amputating it, and eventually got to a place where I was able to decide that feelings do not matter.
I hid the injury from myself and the world until a couple years ago when I was forced to admit to myself that it is getting worse. Now it seems it's all I can think about or talk about so I am sorry to go on and on but be assured I am trying to keep things concise. I am just really happy to finally be among people that carry the same burden or support others that do. I appreciate your care for one another immensely.