ahhh... Doody - thanks for sharing this. I've noticed you talk about "it" (the mess we live in) and I think... wow, why has this happened to us? I would be absolutely mortified if someone knocked on my door - I would pretend I am not home.

I remember when I had a 5 bedroom/3 bathroom home - 3 boys, a husband, cat and dog.... every room was well taken care of - EXCEPT my own little ensuite bathroom... it was a disaster zone ... the only place I felt was my own.

I wonder if all our energy is taken on pretending and keeping our outside "mess" as perfect as we can dare try to make it... while in the meantime, our insides (mentally, physically, and inside our homes) is a disaster zone.

The medication I take for my depression has caused me to balloon - but without these meds, I would fall apart. My sister was prescribed the same med over a year ago (hers was pulled off the market) and she has ballooned... my tiny little sister - grew to my size. We finally put 2 and 2 together. She is going off the mediation - I dream to make the decision but know it would be disastrous for me.

I put off paying my bills (even when the money is in the bank), I put off doing my taxes (even though I'll get a refund), I put off cashing in my company shares (even though it would clear my credit card debt!)

I know this is my depression... and I know I am surviving. And another thing I know is that I MUST remove the daily triggers of anger and abuse out of my life - my job. I have managed to pacify and turn many people into understanding that they aren't as mad at my company as they are at themselves for their foolish/greedy/vulnerable/poor decisions. I'm simply exhausted and drained... I am sick of being a hero. It has turned my world inside out.

I cannot tolerate people yelling at me. It is inexcusable.
I cannot tolerate being the target of anger. I did nothing.
I cannot put myself in their place - because I would never be in their place.

thanks everyone... this is helping me a ton...

I phoned in sick to work on Friday - my friends are telling me to take a stress leave again (and to concentrate on getting the new gov't job) - but of course, I'm afraid that if the new job caught wind that I was on a stress leave, they would avoid me ... aaarrrgghhhh

xoxo for now my friends,
Addy