Thank you for your encouragement and hope that there are good people out there to help. I am trying to be hopeful but I keep wavering back and forth. After my brother committed suicide I admit that I couldn't come to grips with it. You just keep thinking about all the things that you could have said and whether or not there was anything else you could have done to prevent them from taking their life. I don't know why suicide would have the tendency to perpetuate when a survivor understands the impact it had on those that love them, but for some reason it has had that effect on me. My brother and I were both victims of childhood abuse in which case nothing was done to help us. The effect that it had on each of us was that he became an alcoholic late in life when he remembered it and I had worsening symptoms of autoimmune disease. I definitely understand the mind body connection, but some medical workers refuse to acknowledge that you have anything wrong with you besides mental illness, even if tests show otherwise. There have been lots of times that I felt that it should have been me rather than my brother that committed suicide because he had two children and I was always protective of him when we were younger because he was the baby.

My husband came up from his work site to take me to a hospital in the city. Hopefully they will be able to diagnose the medical condition that I have. Unfortunately some of the symptoms, such as ataxia and lack of coordination are not good. As far as trusting a counselor again, I don't know. This was not the first time I was completely **** on. It was the most horrific experience of my life to be told that all I had was anxiety and not even been allowed to have any diagnostics done or get any treatment at the hospital. All because I was anxious that my spine was burning and I was scared. Friends of mine are really horrified that something like this could happen. I had so many medical people tell me that I was imagining my illness even when I wasn't depressed, and I was always asked if I was thinking of doing something to myself when I wasn't. After lying here for 4 months without getting medical help I am now definitely disabled and I don't know if I can face it. I don't know if it is "fixable" anymore or if the nervous system damage will be permanent. The medical system generated anxiety and a suicidal thinking because I feel so betrayed. Now I have PTSD when I didn't before. I will wait to see what the outcome of testing is and if anything can be done, but I can't promise that I can deal with it. I have tremendous respect for people like Christopher Reeve who kept on despite a horrendous disability. I guess that I am no longer that strong.