As I sit here writing this I am at once both jealous and envious of the guys at the Paralympics. They have earned their trip there, no question. But it is the 3rd and 4th time for some. Let someone else play. Granted, I would most likely have been smooshed, but to have experienced the honor and privilege of going would be something to carry to the grave.

I love the sport and I love the people with whom I fence. But the truth is my health and my wallet are making it increasingly difficult to play. Some say, “Heck, why do you have to compete? Why can’t you just fence at home?” Very simple, I am a huge competitor and I always have been. That’s one of the reasons I was able to play college basketball.

If you haven’t figured out yet this is a very stream of consciousness entry. I know what I want to say. I just have a hard time putting it to words.

My health is a serious concern. Aside from the residual from the strokes leaving me limping, drooling, talking funny, a claw for a right hand (good thing I’m left handed) my aneurysms continue to grow and could pop at any time or never. I can barely lift 30 pounds. At my last check up a month or so ago we were talking about why I always have a headache, hurt, fall, am tired, on and on. Of course now I have a giant case of freshmanitis. We were talking about my temperature reactions (extreme heat or cold literally knock me out) and he said ,”that’s common in people with MS.” Then he asked if I’d ever had an LP. I said yes and that he had performed it. So I come home, start looking up symptoms and LP’s and It looks like I am a text book case of everything from the Bubonic Plaque to MS to being pregnant. He has been gone for a couple of weeks so I got to see my regular Dr. about a painful node on my left Achilles tendon. If I was a horse they’d put me down.

Due to the weather I’ve fenced once in the last month and a half. I got the “If you are going to spend money going to these tournaments you better start fencing.” Not a lot of support here.

Lately I just want to quit everything. I have no drive to do stuff. Then I’ll get motivated about something for a couple of days and go back to quitting. I lost my father last month. The last time I talked to him I told him I had never seen him give up. He said he wasn’t giving up, it was just his time to go. He was the strongest man I have ever known. I think he gave up. If he did why can’t I? I just have no motivation.

I have no idea what to do. .