Dear Steve,

I really feel for you with having to swallow all that verbal/psychological aggression from your dad. It isn't even about understanding you. Very likely it did traumatize you and if your genes predisposed you to your condition, then it brought it out. But as Donna says, your dad's problems come down from generations past.... so it goes.

My dad hardly ever blows up. He occasionally does, and can get mean, but this time he said something over the top, at a time when i was particularly vulnerable ... i was already standing near the edge of the cliff loooking down.

The person who yells screams and throws fits in this house is my mother. From a certain age i started to yell and scream back at her. after i left home for my studies i studied psychology and sociology and found out that hey, these behaviors were not the only way to communicate let alone the best. i leanred better ways to communicate and with most people i do not communicate this way. even if this is a "loud" culture... my mother is even beyond that. but my mom surely is this way because of damage done to her.

i try very hard now to mitigate my interactions and reactions to her, even when she goes off. i have had to do a lot of work in past therapy in terms of understanding and analysis. i went through a lot of anger and pain directed at her about a decade ago. that had to run its course before i could release it and move on. now i am working on being able to
-- stay in touch with what i feel and what she feels and not mix them up just because she is screaming at me
-- choose a response more purposefully
-- try to react in a slow soothing way, or be silent
-- if i find myself falling into earlier patterns, reel myself in as soon as i notice it, and simply be silent.

it's hard. but i have made some progress already. informal meditation and observing the breath at times when i am "under attack" have helped me reconnect with mind. deep breathing has helped with the emotional tension that hits at those times.

we can't fix them. we can grieve for their hurt even if we don't know what it was, and we can forgive them for the hurt they have done to us. however we can make our best efforts to improve ourselves, a bit at a time.

~ waves ~