Welcome to the forum stranger. I hope getting that off your chest gave you a little relief. Your sister may not freak if you tell her, and it would give you another source of support.

I'm not quite sure how to answer the fact that you aren't comfortable in your own skin. There are a lot of different problems that can create that feeling. I understand if its not something you want to go into, but if you would like to clarify why you feel that way, maybe some of us could help.

Depression likes to hang around and grab you when you least expect it. There are moments of feeling nothing that come and go and maybe some good things from time to time. Its exhausting though. If you are afraid you might start cutting again, you really need to tell your sister. I know there isn't much time between the thought and the actually act of cutting, maybe not enough time to call your sister, but you really need someone. I've been there and am riddled with scars, so I do know the feeling. Is there anything that you can think of that lets you know in advance if you might be edging closer to self harm? For me, it was always noticing sharp things in the house. No solid thoughts at that point, just suddenly more aware of weapons. If you can identify an aura in yourself, that would be the time to either call your sister, come to the forum or get yourself to the emergency room BEFORE it happens.

Sometimes I think that clinical depression is like being an alcoholic or a drug addict. You fight hard to get rid of the depression and self harm, but if you aren't careful, it can come back with a vengence. Once you start, its hard to stop again. The good thing is that you have probably identified some ways of coping through your past experience. Its easier to give in than fight, but if you didn't want to fight, you probably would not have come to the forum. Please get help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a Dr., you may be able to talk to a minister or priest depending on your beliefs. That first step is hard, but you can do it.

Please keep us informed.

Sam