Hey SDFencer,
Sounds like you've had it tough for a long time. That can be so exhausting. I hope you will cut yourself a break, maybe try to find some small moments when you allow yourself to just block the struggle out. It's like your running a marathon, don't forget to nourish yourself so you maintain your strength. Stop right now, take 5 deep breaths, (Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth)(Your exhale should be twice as long as your inhale). Try not to think about anything but your breathing. I'm going to take my own advice and do the same right now! It doesn't help fix the problem, just the perspective. PEACE!