Hi All!

I found this sight as I was surfing the net looking for help with my emotional issues. Most of my life I have struggled on and off with being depressed. I just seem to get stuck in the mud. I'm 36 years old, uninsured, and my income is very low. I'm trying to get through college and it just seems like it's never gonna end. Stuff keeps happening that postpones my schooling. I have a herniated disc that has had me flat on my back for 4 weeks, and it's barely better than when I started chiropractic treatment. I can't stand it. I don't know how to keep my hopes up anymore. I've had to drop a class, and that pushes me back yet another semester.
I'm in a relationship that is very good when it's good, and very bad when it's bad. I need financial independence, but it just seems like I'm never gonna reach it. Same thing with insurance, I don't have any, and we can't afford for me to pay for treatment. I'm scared to get help from the state...I'm easily intimidated and am worried about going into the city to get treatment. I just feel trapped...like there is nothing I can do that isn't going to feel like complete torture. I feel like I expend so much energy trying to keep my mood up. I might be up for a while, but eventually I fall and fall hard.

I'm so sick of being a bottom feeder. I wish I could take control of my life and maintain it. I've never been on meds and wonder if I need to be. I'm not a great pill taker. I've tried therapy, but it never seems to resolve anything. I might temporarily feel better, but it ends after therapy ends. I feel like such a needy person. I don't let my family (parents, brothers, etc.)know how I feel because I don't want them to look at me like I'm nuts. And my mom and dad will put pressure on me to get help, and I don't want to ask them for help, because there are always strings attached.

I imagine myself being someone successful and independent, but it seems like I'll never be able to do what it takes to reach that goal. I make changes and then I get stressed and down. I feel like such a failure and a loser. I have a big hole inside that can't be ignored when it rears it's ugly head...No matter how good I've been doing....so it seems like an endless cycle.