WELCOME to NT!

My heart goes out to you after reading your post, I wish I could say the perfect thing that would help you see yourself through the eyes of someone who BELIEVES in you. My heart sank when I read your words "bottom feeder, needy, failure, and loser" This is not who you are.
Rather, you are that woman you said you imagine - the successful and independent one! It's the circumstances and hardships that have you weighed down which is keeping you from seeing this. That empty hole within you needs filled with inner strength, hope, and self-esteem. Believe me, I know what depression is and what it does. I've battled it most of my life. I see how it has robbed me many times of allowing me to be who I know I'm capable of being deep down inside.
Please know that you will not always be in this 'rut' you describe. Look beyond and focus on your goals. Life is full of stepping stones. The financial aspects always have a way of working themselves out somehow. Try not to see these things as mountains.

You've come to such a great place for support and care. I see you've found your way over to the depression forum. I will be seeing you over there.
Please find the strength to stand up tall and face these things that have you so weighed down. Face them with boldness. They can't beat you.
You CAN rise above this.

Medication might not be for everybody. In my case, I do take a couple of prescribed meds to help me deal with my depression and they help to keep me 'leveled out' and I don't fall so far down like I used to in the past.

You've done a great thing by coming here reaching out and willing to talk about it. That right there takes a big chunk out of the battle.... You won't be haunted by these thoughts that are trying to convince you that you are going nowhere.

You'll find many people here who understand.

Caring,
Rae