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Originally Posted by Mark in Idaho
In my experience with people I have known with similar situations, Medicaid social workers will try to dump as much as possible on anybody willing to be a caregiver. I suggested Adult Protective Services because they are tasked with protecting you and your son. The verbal abuse is a legal reason for them to take his care off your hands.
Luann,
I understand your struggle to to put him in some kind of care facility. But, you did your duty 50 years ago. His abuse of alcohol and drugs have likely made any real recovery to a stable behavior very unlikely. He may need the incentive to take part in his own recovery to get allowed out of the facility. It appears he is not active in his own recovery. I bet his rehab was cut short because he refused to get with the program.
To help you understand, most spouses in this situation divorce the misbehaving person. The divorce rate with TBI victims exceeds 85% and many are not abusive. You need the same amount of separation. You will be able to visit him and return to a settled household.
I was at our Brain Injury Support Group last night. The caregivers meet privately to support each other. The struggles they have just dealing with the cognitive problems is a big strain. The behavioral issues push many caregivers into deteriorating health and very few are even close to your age.
The alternative is for him to end up locked up behind bars for a criminal act. That criminal act may be against you.
In my experience, as he ages, his behaviors will just get worse. He will eventually need to be in care elsewhere. The sooner he finds a place and learns to fit in, the better he will do. As he ages, he will be less able to learn behaviors to be a responsible patient/client. The important issue is they will know how to deal with his behaviors.
Was he ever in the military? VA may have some options that can help if he was.
Please, consider the need to take care of yourself first. Without your health, he will not have any support. I watched the toll my father's decline into dementia took on my mother. My father got argumentative and loud and it was very difficult to even witness how she was verbally abused. Fortunately, he deteriorated to a point where he was not aware of conflict for the last year or so. Her and our last memories were of a gentler person.
Please, take care of yourself.
My best to you.
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Thanks for your advice I may get in touch with them. I am not sure he can cooperate with or take part in his own recovery, as he does not not remember things from one minute to the next. When I leave the room and say I am going to the kitchen to fix supper he will hollow for me and ask where am I and what am I doing. If He calls someone's name and I tell him they are not here it won't be long before he will call them again. If he calls me a MF b---h he says I did not call you that then turn right around and say you are a F lie you M--F b---h.. Then he can be real sweet. It is like he has no short term memory. That is why I am not sure he can help with any rehabilitation. Then again I wonder if he would do better with someone else. I just don't want him thrown in a bed somewhere doped up and forgot about. It is so hard to think about, like at four in the morning and he wakes up and sometimes he thinks he is in a hole and sometimes talking to people and hollowing at them. I can get up and talk to him and cover him up and say I love you he will say I love you to Mama and he will go back to sleep and sometimes not. But no one in another place will be there to try and comfort him. Some times he seems to be really afraid or scared.
I understand I have to do something because my nerves are shot even though I know all the things he says may be from the injuries. It is just listening to it all day long that gets to you.
Again thanks for the advice. It helps to talk to someone who understands. I am glad you have had some success with your recovery.
Hie rehab was cut short because he had no insurance. I have since learned if I had refused to bring him home they would have had to find a place for him. But at the time I did not realize what I was getting into.