Hi wild cat

Don't ever hesitate to post here. We truly understand. From your post you have been a truly active and gifted (music, dance, etc.) person.

Is it possible for you to change your life focus/goals (at least for now) from being an active participant in music and dance, to an observer and perhaps "critique" that which you are observing?

Agreed, the "adrenalin" and "endorphins" you probably receive(d) from performing are quite different from the ones you might get from "just" watching and hearing these activities. But I wonder if you might benefit from even the smallest amounts of adrenalin and endorphins generated. (Former tennis player here; I miss playing so much; but now I enjoy watching matches much more!)

Suggestions:

Are you able to watch pianists, concerts, etc. on TV? Dance programs? If not available on television, (we have public television stations here in the States) - perhaps renting music and dance dvds is an option. At least you would be watching something in areas that you enjoy, and this might lessen (albeit temporarily) - some of your ambiguity about that upcoming doctor appointment.

Are you able to divert your concerns by listening to your favorite types of music? (ipod, cd's, etc.)?

If you are already doing these things - what about writing down your opinions (critiquing) your personal observations?

Perhaps you could do online research - regarding your creative abiltities and interests.

There could be many options with your background.

Hang in there, wild_cat. We know you are going through a very difficult time. I believe you will find out that you are stronger than you think.

By the way, it seems to me that many (most) of us here in this group were previoulsly very active life participants. Also we seem to have something else in common; we are Survivors.