Hi,

All I takes is a good long look at myself through the eyes of others to gain some perspective and see how my life has been lived out for me. Always reacting to stimuli, feeling shunned by family, inability to connect to others, preferring to be left alone like a feral cat whose been abused by too many people for too long.

My life is entirely unmanageable. It has been overwhelming for me since birth. I was made into the scapegoat and then the black sheep. Not before indoctrinating me into believing I didn't deserve love or anything of worth. And that's exactly the pattern I've followed.

I live in a hovel. I now live with 2 cats and strays who come to be fed. It's a natural gravitation for me to go towards those who will accept me for who I am, and that cats have always done. My clothes are now rags because I live on disability and all my food goes to rent, food and bills. The walls are cracked and there is a SOUR smell in this apartment that I don't know where it's coming from - the walls maybe. And to top it all my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home 2 hours away, I have zero support for any one aspect of my life. I feel alone, crazy, batty and an absolute misfit in this world.

I want to change it. I want to. I just can't find the way. I'm so tired.

MissBliss