Hi Lonely1,
Glad you are with us. Believe me when I say that I know the feelings you speak of, I’ve spent my whole life battling them and finally made a decision about ten years ago that I would never kill myself. For me it had to do with the legacy I would be leaving my daughters, the same legacy my father left me. You may not have children but the things you do still affect the people around you (Nieces? Nephews?) as it wasn’t just my father who killed himself when I was 6, five years later is was my aunt. It really made me question how to deal with pain. So I’ll share a poem I wrote with you (It’s pretty bad, I’ll warn you and this is the first time ever I’ve shared it), maybe it will speak to you and maybe it won’t, regardless, I’m glad you’re here today and I hope you’re here tomorrow and many, many, many more days to come!!!
Xoxo

Hiding
Reflecting eyes expose my wrong
Counting up, the list is long
I camouflage with smiles and song
Still the list grows on and on
In the sunshine where I hide
Darkness where I search for pride
Mistaking fight for borrowed hope
Correctness is an awful joke
An imprint in a steamy room
Drops of rust expose my doom
Though I scrub still stands the stain
A dedicated smear of blame
Distorted laughs with bloody tears
Pulsing through the coming years
To a song that has no rhyme
No music, beat, just endless time
Searching for a fast way out
But hurting them casts lines of doubt
Lessons can’t perpetuate
Erring fate; genetic hate
I think of those who slept before
And understand the pain they bore
Not anger like the doctors say
Just knowing sleep the only way
And now I wonder if they dream
Or if on fire their soles do scream
Does God forgive the fear he made
Demanding some must seek the grave
Until I know I’ll try to stand
Reject his eyes but not his hand
For brightness covers what night reveals
My hiding place where no one feels
By Marcia

We all have to find our own hiding place sometimes until the pain starts to lift but if you work at it and follow the advice of your doctors, things just might get better. That’s my hope for you! You make a difference in this world, if you were not here there would be a big gap and there would be heartbreak and dire consequences . . . the kind that you can’t even begin to contemplate (think of the chaos theory).