I keep having this recurring dream and she's there and she's telling me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she's not really dead. And I'm so relieved. Then I wake up and I'm so upset that it was just a dream. I have asked God to not let me dream this anymore, but I still am. At least 5 times now. Most recently this week. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. I thought as time passed it would get easier, but I find it is getting harder. It's like all sinking in that her number will never show up on my caller ID again. Her car's never going to pull up into my driveway again. I've known these things since the funeral but living the reality of it is hard.

At her dad's funeral end of October, her husband asked me if I would go over and go through her closet. He said he didn't know what to do with all her clothes and that he thought she would want me to have it. He said ya'll are the same size. I just froze. He said I'm sorry do you think that's morbid? I said no, oh my God no, it's just that... and then I couldn't stop crying. I love her husband and feel so bad for him. I try to talk to him, but seeing him reminds me of her and I mostly cry instead of talk and I feel bad about it b/c I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. At the funeral home we were talking, after talking about the closet, about their daughter how she was doing in school, and I started crying again. And he just abruptly stopped talking and said I have to go ya'll, I have to go get a bottle of water, and then he hugged me and walked away. It felt weird. I felt so bad. I still feel bad when I think about it. I think he had to get away from me because I kept crying. He is the thinist I've ever seen him and I'm not an expert but I think he's still in shock. He's doing the best he can going to work and caring for their daughter (3rd grade). He has no time for much else. I don't know where I was going with this... this was the week my in-laws were here... thanks for listening...