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Joselita · 05-03-2007, 09:18 AM

Dear Ada,

Sending LOtS of

to you, Sweetie. It sounds like you are just so very overwhelmed, that you don't know what to do next. It just breaks my heart to hear yo sounding so sad and depressed.

While I do think that taking things easy for a little bit is exactly what you need to do, I don't think that you need to take a break from here right now. With how you are sounding, it would be so easy to start isolating yourself....and fall into the habit of not talking, and then just feeling like you don't have anyone to talk to, and that no one cares anyway. That is the Depression wrecking havoc on you, Sweetie. Please keep on coming here and talking to us..ok?

I understand that you have lots of stuff left to do with your move. Please try not to worry about it so very much. Is there any reason why you need to try to get things done so quickly? Does it matter so much that you still haven't gotten everything out of the old house yet? If it doesn't (I can't remember if you are trying to sell it, or rent it, or what? Sorry...leaky brain and all..LOL), then don't worry! Take your sweet time. If it does...well...maybe you can have something where other folks can come over to help? Kinda make a fun thing out of it...like promising everyone that comes to help some BBQ after it is all over and done with. Have a BYOM (Bring your own meat..ROFL), to help keep the cost down, but still be able to have fun. I think that you having some FUN is really important right now (Oh...and as far as the whole BYOM thing? My folks just got invited to a party/get together at his Department Head's house, and they had BYOM on the invite! So if high muckety-muck Department Heads can do that...so can everyone else! ROFL).

Why are you worried that SSD might over pay you? I think that I probably missed something there, too. If you are really worried about it, and have some kind of idea as to what the amount is that they are supposed to pay you....then when you get your check, hold some of it out in a savings account or something. That way, if there IS an over payment, you will have whatever to pay back to them...or have that set aside for when they rectify the problem for their selves. I had them over pay me once....way back when I first started getting SSD checks. It wasn't the first one...it was a bit later, and I can't even remember how or why it happened. But, what they did was just hold the overpayment amount out of the next check they sent me. So, if you hold some of this money back, to make sure that you have something for if they DO have to fix the situation, you should be OK.

I know that right now, you just seem so overwhelmed, and have so many things going on all at once. Things WILL clam down for you, I promise. You just have to try to look at one thing at a time, and not look at EVERYTHING that is coming up so far in advance. Doing that just sometimes makes things look soo....well...overwhelming (gee. I seem to like that word today, don't I? Lol) and like you are just going to drown in all of the STUFF/Crap/whatever. So, for now at least, try to cut things into chunks. Do what needs to be done now...and take care of things as they come up. Try to NOT worry about what is going to happen next month, in the next couple of months, or whatever for right now. Doing that is just making you depressed and driving you crazy.

I know that you have said that Susan is you caretaker now. If this is getting to be too much for her....is there any way that you can try to find someone else to help out too? I know that you probably won't ever find anyone like your old caretaker that did such a wonderful job, and that you were so very close too...but you never know, you might. It just sounds as if all of you guys need a little extra help right now. You are all trying to deal with the loss of Bill, and it really does sound like all of you all could use a helping hand.....at least to get through the next little while. I don't know if this is something that isn't do-able for some reason...I just thought that I would make the suggestion.

One reason that I am asking if this is a possibility, is because you already have SOOOO much that you are trying to deal with, and that you are worrying about.....you shouldn't have to worry so much about Susan and Travis' stuff too. I must have missed something (again...Gee! It seems that I have missed a lot! I am sorry...) As to why he is looking for a replacement at work? If he is trying to go to another job....then all he really has to do it give his notice to his present work place. It isn't up to him to stay while all of the folks that they have hired come and go. I understand that the best case scenario is for him to be able to get someone fully trained before he leaves....but it isn't his responsibility to stay there while all of these other folks get hired and quit repeatedly. It is the responsibility of his workplace to hire someone DEPENDABLE, that will stay there to get trained. If they can't.....then it will be up to someone there to train or finish training whoever they finally get hired. It isn't Travis' responsibility to have to stay there for an unknown amount of time until this finally happens. Good Lord! It could take months for that to happen, and in the mean time, it isn't fair to him or his family to have him trying to stay someplace that he is wanting to leave. If that makes any sense, how I have said any of that.

I know that you will worry about them, no matter what....but if Susan and he are having lots of trouble right now with that, and with whatever else...you have to try to NOT be so worried about it too. Right now, you have to be a little bit selfish, and focus on doing what ever is needed to make YOUR situation better, and to try to have things going on to help you not be so depressed. Worrying and stressing about everyone and everything else right now, is only adding to all that is already seeming too much for you. You know what I mean?

I am also not understanding about your VNS. You got it implanted..I understand that...but it hasn't been activated yet? Or has it? What is the "tingling" and "funny feeling" in your throat? Is it the stim from that? Or is it just the feeling of where the leads are running through? If it hasn't been activated yet...when it is supposed to? If it is already supposed to have been....and it is a problem of the guy getting to your docs to do it...is there anything that can be done to help that along? Like...can you go to another place to try to get it done faster? Or, can your doc put his foot down and tell them that you need this done, and you need it done YESTERDAY? I mean...what is the point of having something like that implanted, if they aren't even going to get it activated for you? Or, if it is activated and needs adjusting...again, what is the point if they can't get their rears in gear and get over there to get it done? This thing is supposed to be HELPING you...and it sure doesn't sound like it is right now....

I am sorry...but that makes me mad and upset. I have never had a VNS implanted, but I do remember how it was with my SCS, and trying to get them to get it fixed for me so that it would work like it was supposed to. All of that waiting around just is depressing and stressful. I imagine it is even more so with this VNS, since it IS supposed to be there to try to help with your depression...right?

If I am remembering correctly, you can't take any antidepressants...right? That makes it seem even more to me that this should be a priority with everyone involved....and that someone, somewhere is dropping the ball and being irresponsible. This just makes me SOOOO MAD!

I wish that I could help you Sweetie. I hope that you know if you ever have any questions or anything about ANYTHING...all you have to do is give me a holler. I have been on my own for a very long time now (got divorced in ‘92, and had to figure out how to do everything on my own for both myself and my two, at that time, little kids), so I do know how hard it is to all of a sudden have EVERYTHING dumped all in your lap for you to take care of all alone. It sucks, and it is very scary. I just wanted you to know that I am here, and I do understand that part at least a little, and that I will do whatever I can to help you out.

I only wish that I could do more. You sure have been through a lot this past year...and it just breaks my heart. You are such a Sweetie, and such a good person....you should have an easier time of things!

Well...this wound up being much longer than I meant for it to when I sat down here. But, you know me...that is what ALWAYS happens when I get on this keyboard! I hope that it didn't wear you out just sitting there trying to read all of this. I really just wanted to let you know that I care....and I am here for you....and that I really hope that you don't take a break from all of us right now. I mean...I just started being back here again! It is too soon for you to go and take a break from here now! Besides...I really think that it might not be the best thing for you right now, with all of what you have to deal with, and how depressed you are. I really do worry a lot about you, Sweetie. I hope you know that.

Ok...I am just making this longer and longer, so I am going to stop here. Please let us all know how you are doing...and please remember what I said; if I can help in anyway, all you have to do is holler. Either here, or in a PM or in email (you do have my addy...right? If not, let me know, and I will get it to you..Ok?). I am just a holler away...

Dont forget, that WE need you here too. Ok?

Lots of Love and

Jose