THE worst new years i've had was when i was in bed with severe respiratory depression due to accidental ingestion of a potent neuroleptic meant for someone else.

THIS has been the second worst. my parents are being coo-cooey with each other. i have never felt so alone in my life. my humble gifts consisting mostly of more-exotic than usual nut thingies than we'd have the rest of the year have been left unopened and untouched. i gave dad moncheri's which he loves and mom won't let him touch them because he had been sick (before christmas - he's fine now).

On new years that did not prevent him from having bunches of alcohol. We'd agreed on a glass of sweet liquorous wine with our christmas bread at 11. Then he said he'd like the champagne for the midnight toast, rather than wait for the next day. I opened it a few minutes before midnight because sometimes it's hard to get the cork started, but it came off easy so the glasses were ready early. i said to hold off drinking it till midnight (this is a ritual)! So what does he do? He went and poured another full glass of the liquorous (potent) wine (which is meant to be sipped). He had to chug it when the countdown started. Then he toasted with the champagne, without a palate breaker in between. Wasted champagne imho and that ****** me off because had i dreamed he would do that I would have opened it the following day. Champagne is a once-a-year deal to me and special, and he knew it too. Slap in the face to me and my %&&%% champagne.

I bought my mom some little anti-slip footies that are color coordinated with a new sweatsuit she got recently for indoors. they are antique-rose. so the other night my dad was wearing them. they are women's size and he has big feet. plus he put them over another pair of thick socks!!! she said she just wanted him to try them so she could get him something like it. i told her trying them is fine but they'd get deformed if he kept them on. she blew me off. the next morning, he was STILL wearing them over his other socks! it's nice she wants to take care of him but but it isn't nice she acts like she could care less about what i gave her. i know people say it's the thought that counts. but destroying these sockies is like, my "thought" is getting "discarded" right before my eyes and without a care.

yesterday afternoon mom decided to have coffee and christmas bread. she offered it to dad. she didn't offer me any. time elapsed. i asked if she was going to have any. she said already did. i said well i would have had some. she barked at me that if i'd heard her offer dad, i should have spoken up then. well i had not heard his answer (which was no), and since no bread appeared, i thought perhaps it had been deferred. no, she just didn't bother asking me, and cut herself a slice and ate it in the kitchen. back to the feeling like a third wheel. and it isn't like i've been here a short time now.

i finally got overwhelmed by the little things. they are little things i know. i tried to tell myself that. but i tried hard to do things to have a festive spirit. and i feel ridiculous. like nothing i did counts. and these little things really kill festive spirit for me.

in the past when we give each other food, it was opened and shared. also if one gave someone a personal item, such as clothing (the footies), they wouldn't go and pass it on much less do something that could harm it, only 3 days later.

there's a few other little things. but this is a long post and you catch the drift.

i have been feeling really ridiculous because they are all little things. but they really added up. and i started to feel bad... and then with each new thing I felt worse. i ended up crying today. i tried to figure out what about it bothered me - what the feelings were. if it was more of an ego blow, or feeling offended, or angry. there was definitely some anger, but behind it was a lot of hurt, ridicule, and... loneliness. and some betrayal, because of words not matching actions.

i tried to speak to my father and he says i am being infantile and complaining of trivialities. he said i am acting like i'm in kindergarten. maybe he is right. but to me, there is a lot of symbolism, ritual and tradition in these things. that is what makes a would be triviality feel much more meaningful. i was trying to honor it, and they keep stomping on it. that is upsetting. if that is infantile, then yes, i am being infantile.

icing on the cake, dad started off responding to me by saying it was good that i spoke up and got things off my chest. he then proceeded pour salt in the wounds by calling me infantile, while showing no empathy as to the fact that infantile or not, i actually felt hurt and no attempt to understand. no questions. just a ruling on my feelings as infantile, period.

how would it be good, then, to have spoken up? some gall! i have the same hurt as before, plus added injury of his rulings.

i don't want to see another new year ever.

~ waves ~