George

Your situation is very difficult and it must be a real struggle every day.

You didn't say what your wife's prognosis is - is she expected to get any better or is her current situation likely to remain unchanged in the future? I guess I'm asking because that could have a huge bearing on how you cope going forward.

I think the advice to make other friendships and relationships outside of your marriage is critically important. Even for couples who have no illness issues to cope with, it's just not healthy to have no outside friendships. It's extremely important to have other friendships, male and female, and to have interests or hobbies that you are able to pursue without your wife. You shouldn't feel disloyal - it's totally normal to do this. It's well established that women live longer happier lives than men because of the extensive social networks that they tend to have. People need contact and interaction with a range of other people for fulfilment and happiness.

Nobody is suggesting that other friendships are a substitute for your wife, they are something that will enrich your life in addition to your marriage. However, in your case, because of the massive personality changes and communication difficulties your wife has, it is even more important that you make friendships and interact with others regularly to try and avoid isolation and depression overwhelming you. That will ultimately only make it much harder for you to be there for your wife.

Its fantastic that you are seeing a counsellor or therapist. I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with you! It's just that when one person in a relationship has a life-changing illness or accident, that massively changes life for the people close to them too. She is dealing with the changes that affect her directly which takes up her time and energy, I don't know how badly hurt she was but its possible she is not fully aware of her behaviour and the ways in which she has changed. You, however, have nothing wrong with you, you are the same person and other than having to deal with what has happened to your wife, you are just the same physically. This means you are left in the frustrating position of having your life horizons narrowed by someone else's ill health. That is frustrating and difficult to come to terms with.

You can't underestimate the psychological issues that can stem from being left as the un-damaged party in such a close relationship, especially where the other party has undergone profound personality and communication changes. Seeing a counsellor or therapist gives you the time and space to work through your own feelings without anyone judging you. It allows you to be honest about all of the uncharitable and resentful feelings you will have towards your wife and what has happened to her - things you feel guilty for feeling, let alone saying. You will have to grieve for the losses you have suffered - the loss of your wife as you knew her, the loss of your previous lifestyle, loss of your best friend and so on. You may feel angry or resentful - all of that is totally normal but it doesn't feel comfortable. It's difficult to work through all of these things with friends or family because inevitably they make judgements or have their own losses or opinions.

I understand your choice not to take any medication although that may not be right for everyone in a similar situation. It's easy to discount medication on the basis that it means you aren't actually doing the coping by yourself or it will just cloud reality and not solve anything. However, it doesn't work like that it helps give you support and a bit of a break as you work through the changes and emotions. There are no prizes for going through misery without help!

Perhaps your children would benefit from counselling too, they sound as though they have their own issues coping with what has happened to their mother. They may find it harder to accept since they are at a time in their lives when they are going through huge emotional and physical changes too. They will lack the maturity and life experience to cope in the same way as you can. They have also lost a person who is supposed to be caring for them which is bound to be difficult. Teenagers aren't usually the most patient so its bound cause tension when her communication is slow and limited.

I have no idea if your wife is getting ongoing help for the physical and emotional damage or whether this has largely stopped. Is there any further treatment or therapy that can be suggested to help her come to terms with the frustrations, limitations and anger she must be feeling? It is probably worth continuing to try and talk to her about your feelings although you may want to this discuss with her doctors. They may be able to guide you a little more as to why she is reacting as she does, whether she is cognitively affected and thus simply going to be unable to process logic, emotions, expressions and so on. Perhaps they can suggest techniques for communicating through these discussions with her to minimise angry, explosive or negative reactions from her.

Ultimately, as time passes and you work through your own feelings, you will come to either make your marriage work again or perhaps you will eventually feel that you are not able to continue with it. I don't think you are at a place where you yet know what will happen either with your wife's recovery or your own ability to come to terms with her injuries. All you can do is keep trying, keep working through as much as you possibly can with her, your children, your counsellor, friends and so on. If in the future, you feel unable to stay with your wife, then you will know that you have done your very best - nobody can ever ask more than that of you. You may have to come to terms with the fact that you will never have the even, balanced and happy relationship you once had and your wife may never be the same person you once knew. It sounds like its probably too soon to know any of this yet though.

I hope that has been of some use.