Hello all,

I have just stumbled upon this site and am glad to have done so. I have read various forums and already gained a lot of valuable insight on brain injuries that I did not know. Anyway, here's my story.

I am a 20-year-old college student-athlete, I play ice hockey. In addition to ice hockey, I am a gym rat, exercise guru, etc. I love competition and love working on myself both physically and mentally to be the best I can be.

Through my early years BEFORE my college playing career began I suffered 2 or 3 concussions, all spread out over years, no injuries close to each other. In my freshman season, about midway through, I suffered a rather severe concussion after a hit which impacted my chin directly. After a little over one month recovery time, I was back on the ice and back to normal.

My sophomore season I enjoyed a healthy season right up until the final week of practice for the season just before the national tournament began where I collided with a teammate and suffered another concussion. That ended my season. I got over that concussion without much of a problem as well.

My offseason this time I took a bit more seriously and coming into this season I was in the best shape of my life and raring to go for my junior season. I am a hard-hitting forward and for any of you who know hockey I am a bonafide "grinder." I LOVE the corners, LOVE making the big hit to sway the momentum in the game and play a very physical, high energy style.

After a successful training camp I was back in the gym the week before the season officially began this past september (2012) when I smacked the back of my head on a barbell that was racked on a bench press. I finished my workout and even finished that week exercising regularly before I began to notice the all-too-familiar concussion symptoms.

Anyway, sorry for making this so long but fast-forwarding four months down the road, it is now January and I have redshirted for this season. I took my recovery seriously in the beginning while being aided by our team trainers and university doctors. I was granted a 2-week leave of absence from school in November for neurological rest where I went home and laid around in a dark room. It did help me. However, I was over zealous and attempted to make a return to hockey and the exertion, body checking, physicality was too much to handle so I again pulled myself out of competition.

After this, I started getting really depressed. I had lost so much muscle mass and definition because of my absence from the gym, was aware that I would probably have to scratch this season, and was having a tough time concentrating in school. On top of that, my university is a co-op school where you basically are in classes for six months and then you intern and gain job experience from real employers in your field of study for the succeeding six months. The co-op process is stressful and competitive and I have been dealing with the stress of interviews and classes at the same time. I've had good days and positive progress and told myself I'm fine and have gone out and partied and drank and smoked marijuana on many occasions.

Before you bash me for this, I am aware of the detrimental effects this behavior causes me and since have completely stopped any intake of alcohol or caffeine. At the turn of the new year I have been on top of my recovery like a mad man, sleeping or laying around in dark rooms given every opportunity, avoiding loud music, bright lights, driving, exertion. However, I cannot avoid going to class and the workload that results or attending team functions. Although I am no longer participating in hockey I still attend games and practice as a member of the team.

Anyway, I'm having serious doubts about getting my life back. I'm well aware my hockey career may be over. I'm pretty depressed because of it. What depresses me more is that I can't get in the gym, look and feel like crap, can't push myself in school or for interviews for jobs the way I want to and I'm concerned at how life-altering this has already been for me and how much it can continue to mess up my promising future.

I'm really sorry for making this post so long I just really needed a place to vent. My friends and family support me, however, they have no idea what I am going through and it gets old for them after four months asking me how they can help. I am young and feel like I am meant for a great future but I have lost much of my former self. The hard-working, motivated, smiling, happy self that was me four months ago has been replaced by a depressed, desperate, hopeless kid with a serious brain injury. I know it is depressing for many of those around me like my friends and younger brothers who once counted on me for inspiration and advice. Thanks for reading and bearing with me through this extremely long post, I look forward to hearing some responses.

Thanks so much, wishing this new community all the best.

-Pat