I guess it is that I have had some odd feelings when I post different places and mention I still work, or that I am not on a daily long acting pain med.

One, it seems that people are always telling me I can't get better unless I get my pain under control by using the pain meds. Well, truth is that the ones I have tried didn't even touch the pain I have, so I figure, why even go there. For example, I have taken 3 vicoden at a time (on Dr.'s orders), been on 75 duragesics and it didn't even PHASE it. Not one bit. Have tried some others too, when I had it in my foot, oxycontin, percocet... didn't help at all.

And, that I will get worse unless I get my stress under control and the only way to do that is stop working.

I love my job - I have fun at it. My job is a stress reliever to me. No, it's not good for my shoulders to sit at a computer, but my job, working at a printing company doing photo manipulation and graphic file work, is very creative, and I just LOVE it. I hate it when I have to miss a day. I am lucky that it's not at all physically demanding. My drive to work is about 20 miles with only one small town to go through, and the last couple miles are in the larger city -- the rest is rural back roads. If it's a bad pain day, I can drive 30 mph and go down the middle of the road if I want. Or I can do 55. What ever. So... it's a job I love, a reasonable drive, and also a company that is understanding with a great boss. I just cannot see quitting.

And, about not taking pain meds.... this does not mean that I don't live with horrid pain. I just went to the dentist to fix four more chipped teeth from clenching my jaw in pain. My family members say I am not the same person I was before all this, that I rarely smile or joke anymore even though I thought I was hiding all this pain really well. They say my personality has completely changed. Let me tell you -- every day is STILL a struggle. I would certainly rather just stay in bed and hide and watch TV with my cat. Somehow, I manage to drag myself out everyday. Somedays are easier than others though. And there are still more bad days than good.

I have just tried very hard to learn to not be afraid of the RSD and especially not of the PAIN. To not let it take over my life. When Mike talked about Shinzen Young's book, it was right when my massage therapist was trying to teach me about meditation to help with my terribly tight muscles. She has seen me as a patient before the RSD - and says of all her patients I am the WORST for tight muscles. She really "does not know how I live in my body" and that was before the RSD. Well, after reading and trying the Shinzen Young book... It just hit me that I don't have to be afraid of the pain. When the fear went out of it - something sort of magical happened in my ability to handle it. I am still the tightest person my therapist works on, but I am improving. I was fallen on by a large horse in a riding accident when I was 17. The horse and I tumbled down in an old canal bed... a fall of about 12 feet or so, and I landed under the horse. I have had very severe spasms and muscle pain ever since. So, perhaps my tolerence is more than an average person for pain because I have lived this way for 30 years already. Don't know.

There have been many nights at work that I have sat at my desk with tears going down my face for hours because it hurts so bad... but I stay with it. I have not found anything that makes it any better... if I was home laying in bed, it would still hurt just as bad, so I may as well be at work doing something I love.

I do take some medications that help, and lots of supplements, and do exercises, and the massage and meditation --- it's not like I am doing nothing.

When I get a chance, then, I will try to write up what we have done for my RSD, and what has helped, what has not. I am not the most confident writer... as I took almost all art classes in high school, went to art college.... did not do English classes, and I know that I do not talk or write with proper English. It intimidates me and keeps me from expressing myself very often. (and especially since they put in the 12 hour edit - that you can't go back and edit your posts after that. I used to see where I had worded things really badly, and edit and try to clarify, but now, can't do that unless I see it right away.)

Thanks, artist, for your interest. Sounds like you and I are sort of walking the same road.

Jules