HUGS dear Bmw

I think the ongoing sadness, heavy personal burden, confusion and worry you are feeling is the main reason why we need to be talking about this subject (death with dignity) in our families, with our friends, in our neighbourhoods, in our communities and in our governments. It should not be your burden alone. Totally understand why you would feel confused.

edited to add: I don't think we're equipped as human beings to really deal with such loss under the circumstances that you did with your friend. It sounds to me as if you really have been so alone with your feelings for so long.