Dear Mari
sorry for the long post. i hope it is manageable.
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Originally Posted by Mari
Waves,
My mood was good enough yesterday and today. It is better than it was the day I said my mood had gone south but maybe it is still not all that good. I cannot account for the mood changes. They do not seem tied to my sleep.
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I am glad your mood is better than a few days ago. I hope it continues to improve. There may be a bit of cycling happening.
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I have felt that this mdoc is good --- better than any other doctor I have had. Also, I like that she is conveniently located.
I do feel that she is not taking into account the bipolar --- cognition, mood, and the whole thing about how very very hard it is to deal with being bipolar. My pdoc, tdoc are gentle. My sleep doc is very gentle.
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I think your mdoc is good too - she is very thorough. I know that her location is a plus when it is already hard to juggle medical stuff. I don't know if she will ever get how hard things are for you. I don't personally think it is all about being bipolar - I think the sleep deprivation is a bigger problem in the day-to-day, and I don't think bipolar is the cause of that.
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Mdoc wants to write 'scripts for me and I tell her I have already tried them or others in their family and will not take them (Sleep meds for example).
We seem to have the same discussion every time. I tell her that 25 years ago my psychologist said that the sleep is a medical probablem and the psychiatrist I was seeing said sleep is a psychological problem. I tell her that the care givers I have now say the same thing.
Then she she wants me to see different psych care givers. Then she wants me to ask my pdoc better questions. I told her I value the relationship I have with the pdoc and cannot ask too much of him because I need to keep his trust.
She asks if I tell my pdoc the truth about my sleep and low ability to function. (I do.)
She gets frustrated that the sleep problem cannot be fixed.
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Accepting that it is psychological would mean accepting that she cannot fix it. She may not be able to accept that. Since the only way she can help is with meds, she keeps on trying to climb up all the trees that lead to meds. I do find that distressing, and I find it distressing that she cannot trust your other experts and your relationship with them. Perhaps if she saw progress on the sleep front, she would not feel so compelled to keep on trying to take it on herself.
I'm not suggesting you change her. In my last post I really only meant to express my sympathy to you for the frustration that brought you to tears in dealing with her.
Her insistence with this sleep thing is detrimental to your relationship with her, but it also shows her to be tenacious and driven to fix everything about you, two things that contribute to making her a good doctor.
Anyway, I am glad your other doctors are gentle.
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When she recommends expensive drugs like Lyrica or Provigil, I tell her insurance will not cover them. She asked about the coupon for Lyrica she gave me. I told her activating the coupon involved too many steps that I could not manage.
She seemed to feel that I was not motivated to improve my situation.
I wish she would accept the sleep condition and move on to take care of my other needs.
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I wish she would too, but she might not. You may need to find a way to deflect her on this and move her along.
There are a few ways to do this and arguing or defending your position is not one of them... you could do that til Kingdom Come and I don't think she'd change her tune.
You could start sessions with "what i need and do not need from you today" conversation - without justification... just to lay it on the line so she knows. Failing that or in alternative, when she starts on something not useful to you, blocking could work - i.e. reply with a change of subject. If you are called on it, you could tell her - once only - that you have different needs from her right now and return to a useful topic. If she requests explanations, either block again or use silence. Basically put her in the position of talking to a wall... or, say, A Mountain.
That will render her attempts ineffectual and it may be enough that she eventually gets it.
As to her comment on your motivation, she just does not understand the sheer energy you put into keeping up with the day-to-day. A person can be motivated but if they don't have the mental or physical energy to follow through, it doesn't help. Sometimes I have plenty motivation to do something, and at the same time feel frustrated, precisely because I don't have the necessary "juice" to follow through.
This is a difficult relationship Mari. You are dealing well all things considered. You are holding your own. I am sorry that it is difficult. Try to learn from the difficulties if you can. It may not change things but it would be a like a silver lining sort of thing.
~ waves ~