So sorry for your pain. I sure know how that can lead down dark dark paths. Don't go there, come here instead. I do the same thing when I think I am loosing it. Hang in there. I care. Vent, and get to your doctor for some additional help. If your pain is that out of site, you need some more help. Don't hesitate to ask him or her for that help. It is your quality of life that is on the line, and it is worth fighting for. ginnie