Thank you so much everyone

I was in a real blue yesterday, and I just found it cathartic to dump all that raw grief on the page. My husband arrived home as I was finishing typing and caught the worst of it, bless him, he was marvellous. He does so much now...

I went through a stage after about six months with this, when I knew it wasn't just a quick fix thing, when I really was depressed I think. I cried nearly every day, didn't go out, hardly talked, was a real mess. After about a fortnight I gave myself a very stern talking to and got on with my life. I still have the odd down day like yesterday lol, but it's very rare now. Mostly I am a sunny side up person.

I too did the adjustment process. I chucked in my job that was all long hours standing and pretty physical, and started doing self-employed work that I can tailor to suit me. I saw a psychologist and talked it all through. I started planning things again, but just made them different things that I could do, I sat my kids down and explain things to them, I told my husband how wonderful he was. Exercise was hard, because I am very competitive, and the physio exercises etc just don't really give you that edge lol! But I love the wii fit type games, I play those with my kids and we get very competitive over that

Yesterday was all about one of those random moments. It was a programme on tv and the woman looked a lot like me, she was whining about how terrible her life was because this man she fancied didn't like her as much, and she was on anti-depressants and 'couldn't cope'. She had her best friend with her 'for support'. I was just so angry initially because I thought how weak and selfish she was, and that she should be jumping up and down for joy at having a body that worked properly. Then I looked at her friend who was with her and seemed nice and normal, and for a split second I wondered why she had so much I didn't but didn't appreciate any of it, wrapped up in the one thing she couldn't have.

I know it's all about reality and acceptance and pacing and adjustment, but yesterday I just cracked a bit and some of the stuff I had put away in a little box in my head sort of leaked out.

But thanks for catching me when I fell...

Bram.