Hi,

I have a two-part rule that i try to observe when depressed but it works for any kind of messed up state.

--- defer judgment
--- defer important decisions.

i am considering breaking this rule. the "spirit" of the rule is to avoid acting on a defective world perception but, occasionally, a decision is better made sooner than later. It can be hard to distinguish "hasty" from "better".

There have been little and big things going wrong with my relationship with my pdoc over the past 6 months. Yesterday the session was really bad but surprising things also emerged:

• pdoc believed I never would have gone back to him had I liked the state center. This is simply false - i only even went there because of the other crap that hit the fan right after he hollered at me - i needed help and could not turn to him right then. I thought I'd been very clear and specific at the time that even if i had decided to change, I would have gone back to him to clarify things. I rehashed this stuff... but he didn't buy it the first time - why should he believe me even now? Trust blown on his side, as I see it.
  
  
  
• he asserts that the reality is that i have no choice but to see him - because i "didn't like" the other place he said. i told him he would not feel that way if i were paying. i tried to make suggestions for sparser/shorter visits that i could pay and received a flat NO. He isn't open to changing things.
  
  The worst implication here is that, contrary to what he has periodically and stronglyasserted, my perceptions about his seeing me "differently" than other patients were not unfounded! Trust certainly blown on my side.

===========================

I am considering making an appointment with the state clinic. I could call them as early as Tuesday to make an appointment. I forget the protocol. I might have to go there.



~ waves ~