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Justice · 05-09-2007, 01:31 PM

I don't know how to deal with the death of loved one's. I remember when I was in elementary school, one of my aunts died,and I was taken to the funeral,but no one explained to me what was going on.I laughed because I didn't know why everyone was crying,and why my aunt was taking a nap in that big box (the casket)! My Mom got so mad she took me outside,and hit me,and sent me to walk home.I was not allowed to go to anymore funerals.But I still didn't get an explination,I just got punished,and when my Mom got home ,she beat the hell out of me! My Dad was gone with relatives. So,I never learned how to deal with death,except to get angry! Because I didn't understand why they were taken from me.I do understand now,but I still can't get over losing my Dad because he was my entire world.He gave me the only love,and encouragement I ever got growing up as a child,he didn't judge me when I was diagnosed Bi-Polar.He was a Psychologist Ph.D.,so he was always there for me.He meant everything to me.And I was upset when he died,but I was happy for him,because I knew how much he was suffering,because I was taking care of him,and his dementia was getting really bad,and his heart was dying on him,he didn't want the transplant,he wanted to go,and I just wanted him to be happy,and not to suffer anymore.But I am so angry that he's gone!I'm not angry at him,just life!I was Daddy's little Girl,and I miss him so much! But I don't think I'll ever get over losing the only person that's ever loved me unconditionally! I don't know how to deal with it,so I've been holding it in,all that anger,since he died on October 3rd,2005! I want to be with him,but not die in order to be with him,you know what I mean? I just want to see him! That's the only positive thing I can think of about my terminal illness,is that I'll be with my Dad,sooner than later! But I carry all this anger with me everywhere I go.