Hey,

I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I've had RSD since I was 14, so it's been about 7 years. I was a very active gymnast. I was nationally ranked for my level. I genuinely loved gymnastics and planned on doing it in college. I'll admit, most of my friends were from gymnastics rather than school since I spent so much time at the gym. Bottom line: I was VERY active and ambitious.

I hurt my foot. It was really a minor injury. However, RSD developed from that during the summer before I started high school. I started high school on crutches and was known as the crippled girl when they realized that I was not getting off of the crutches. I was absolutely miserable. Yes, I did make friends. I never had a problem with that. Heck, without gymnastics, I didn't have many friends (I still kept in contact with gym friends, but I didn't see them much). I started getting better through a day treatment rehab program, but I was also miserable then because I had to go homebound from school, so I didn't see my new friends anymore. By this point, I became so miserable. My mother was - and still is - very controlling and wouldn't let me hang out with my friends. I became quite depressed. I also had a major setback before being discharged from the pt because of a massive reaction to the sun. I had just relearned to walk, but now that was taken away from me. I felt so isolated by that point. I wasn't able to see my friends. I couldn't walk anymore and had to depend on my controlling mother to do stuff. My only independence was that I crawled around the house on my knees. I was pretty awesome at that Anyway, I also forgot to mention that prior to starting pt, the RSD had spread to nearly my whole body (neck, both arms and hands, the entirety of both legs and feet, and back). After the reaction to the sun, my left hand stopped working as well. I felt very much alone and isolated. Everything I cherished (walking, independence, friends, gymnastics, etc.) was taken away from me. I became very depressed. Very very depressed. My big turn around was when my dad basically rescued me from my mother's house and I moved in with him and my stepmom (I was 16 at the time). By this point, I did start getting better. I didn't relearn to walk again until a little over a year ago (woohoo), but they were there every step of the way. They encouraged me with wanting to hang out with friends and do stuff. They treated me like Nikki, not like the girl with RSD that I was known as to my mother and most of the people at school.

By this point, I'm not nearly as depressed. Sure, I have my moments (naturally), but I'm in college and have that to keep me busy. It was hard at first because I had to ditch my previous college plans of going to a college for gymnastics. I also had to base my career plans on my abilities and limitations. I still think about gymnastics a lot. I just know that I would have been able to do it on the college level. I had all of the drive and passion. It's not something that I can just walk away from forever. I do miss it a ton and I go through cycles where I'll miss it a ton, then not think about it too much. Right now, I guess it's pretty apparent that I'm in the "missing it a ton" cycle haha. But yeah, the best advice I can give is that it's okay to reflect on what you did in the past, but do it in a "wow, I rocked" kind of way, not a "man, what if I could still do that" kind of way. I am still working on this admittedly, but I do know that reflecting on it in a way that praises my accomplishments rather than mourns over them does help with my outlook a lot. I've kind of used my passion for gymnastics in a good way. I plan on certifying to be able to judge. This way, I still get to be involved without hurting myself. Also, I help out at the annual meet that's held at my home gym with timing, errands, music, announcing, just talking to my old coaches, etc.

In terms of the burden aspect, I definitely used to feel like this a lot. I've found that once I saw myself and believed in myself as being a not-burden, it helped my outlook a lot. I definitely have days where I just don't want to get out of bed. To my family, that's okay. They don't take it personally and give me my space. I am in college and that's helped a ton. I want to be involved and see it as a means to help myself after college. Also, I have a lot of friends and students who depend on me (tutor assigned to 2 classes each semester to help them with their lab reports/essays/etc...I have to meet with them 4/5 times during the semester...fun times haha) to be there, whether or not I feel well. I also work in admissions and genuinely like what I do and feel that I'm doing a great service to the school. Long story short (I feel like I'm rambling haha), even if you don't feel like going out all the time, it really does help in the long run. I'm not saying go out all the time, but help yourself realize that you aren't a burden. You do still have friends, so they clearly don't see you as a burden. Just remember this and try to live your life as much and fully as possible.