Oh, ((((((Justice)))))),

That's the hardest thing we humans have to learn -- how to lose.

If we're lucky, we have kind, caring, supportive people around us that teach us how to grieve and how to heal.

Unfortunately, most of us learn the hard way -- after we've already gone through it.

I went to many funerals when I was a kid. Two military funerals. Those freaked me out because they were my uncles and the caskets were downstairs in the living room. I still remember the creepy feeling I had sleeping in the first room at the top of the stairs.

The one that really knocked me on my %%% was my brother. Suicide at age 21 (when I was only 22). It took me about 13 years to get my balance back from that. Because my Mom hid everything. She and I were the only ones that knew it was suicide. Everyone else thought heart disease.

I lost my Dad in an instant -- major heart attack. Thanks be to G-d I had written a letter telling him that I loved him and understood him. He never responded to the letter. But, I felt that he 'heard' me.

My Mom took sick out of state. I was with her every day for almost 5 months. I took care of her in two different states. Took care of her affairs. And told her every single thing that I wanted her to know. I was with her when she passed. It was the most beautiful, soul-satisfying experience I've ever had. I have no regrets. I treated her exactly the way that she deserved.

It sounds like you did that for your Dad, Justice. Came from out of state to 'take care'. You loved him. You were there for him when he really needed someone.

It's still early for "healing". Soon the memories become stronger than the pain. Then one day you'll smile when you remember. That's when the healing starts.

Honey, don't think so much about what you've lost. Try to remember what you were given. Sounds like your Dad was a true 'treasure' in your life.

I have a suggestion. Get yourself a blank book and write down the memories of your Dad. The things that he taught you. The funny things that he said and did. How he supported you. One day there will be generations in your life that haven't had the privilege of knowing your Dad. Your writing will help to bring his memory into the future. Your writing will help heal you too.

Right now your life is sort of in a state of confusion. When you get back to where your friends are and where your heart is, you'll get some of your balance back. When you get a chance, read this: http://butterflywebsite.com/discover...ndrainbows.cfm Our loved ones find a way to let us know that they've arrived safely. Your Dad has probably already let you know. But, you didn't know what to look for.

I believe that our loved ones find ways to communicate with us. Sometimes through animals, sometimes through dreams. We need to pay attention to the quiet and the stillness around us and calm ourselves so that we can hear the messages.

Justice, there's so much -- so much -- that can't get through to you because of the anger. You have to let the anger go so that you can feel the love and caring that surrounds you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb