Mark, all I can say is wow!! You are an expert and hit the nail on the head (what a terrible pun!) This is very detailed and has quite specific ways to deal with him. I am going to print that last post and refer to it.

The problem I am having now is that he hasn't accepted he has problems and still holds his ground and that I am burned out. I have considered being kind of a caregiver support person in his life since we share a beautiful home and cabin and our lives are totally intertwined. I fear for him if I leave because he will be lost and revert to compensating which only get him in deeper doo-doo.

I need to be totally honest here and please be understanding. I know this is very personal but I don't know who else to talk to! I have dated an old friend on the side that I really care for.

I have this crazy idea that I can enjoy and deserve my new friend while I try to help my husband and also work on possibly getting out of this marriage which has worn me down to a confused and hopeless 56 year old woman.

I also feel angry that he wasn't honest with me (husband) and that nobody in his family was honest either. Actually, they covered up the real person and were cheerleaders; cheering him on and encouraging and rewarding and praising him. My mom told me that at our wedding rehearsal dinner a woman from husband's hometown came up to her and said "takinxanax" will take care of him! She thought that was a weird comment, but now we know why she said it.

You might say you can't advise me on the personal issues-but I would accept your views as yours and not take it as advice.

What is the best thing I can do for him given this situation? He seems like he is spiraling downward-depression and hopelessness. Some of this is because I am being honest that I'm not sure I want to stay.

Yes I do take Xanax! It is monitored by my doctor and I am grateful for it. I also have a glass of wine at night to knock me out. But, I do a lot of other things to cope.

Again, Mark, you are amazing with your information and for taking time to share it. Ever soo grateful. Please keep writing if you have more to share and maybe I will change my moniker to "offxanax".