Hello Justice I am a member of a 12 step group for alcoholics. I have always considered myself spiritual, not religious. I went to Sunday school when I was young and sometimes I said my prayers. Usually I said my prayers when I was in some sort of trouble and wanted God to get me out of the spot that I got myself in. I spent my entire life searching for love. I never felt loved at home with my parents. I sought out love from men. I thought that when someone loved my that I would be happy. I beleived that so much that I tried to keep these people as close to me as I could....I treasured them! For some reason they all eventually would leave me. I was in a great deal of emotional pain because of it and at an early age I began to drink to cope...and forget...and to not have to deal with how I felt....empty, alone, sad. I continued on like that untill I was in my mid thirties. Along the way I had 2 wonderful children who I love very much....however there was a time when I loved them as much as I could...big difference! I had many relationships, no job, I had a welfare chenck to get by....and I had a bad addiction, one that would have me driven to go to any length to obtain alcohol. By the time I quit drinking I had also lost my grandfather, found out that my daughter had been sexually abused by my sons father, my parents would not speak to me...my sister and I had physical wars, my brother took my son away from me...I was with someone who was a suspect in a horrific rape and murder of a child( I didn't know this when we got together) I had also almost killed my sons father when I was drinking because I knew that he was going to beat me that night. I snapped and put the spike heel of my shoe into his head. I really could have killed him. I also in defence of myself, stabbed him in the arm with a fork....all sounds crazy doesn't it. That is really just part of my unmanageable life!! I actually was to the point of drinking a 26er and a mickey of tequila every day when I finally had to stop. I actually worried about me. I was afraid because I was so physically, emotionally and spiritually drained!!!!! Again I was in such a spot and asked God for help. I really meant it too! I was praying for me! I went to my 12 step group and learned that if I was willing to turn my life over to the power of God , than he could help me get out of of THIS jackpot. I was willing. I wanted to get better because I knew that I was dreadfully sick. I hung in there. I kept turning my will and my life over to the care of God. Each day and only ONE day at a time a climbed up out of the depths of dispair with Gods help. I prayed about absolutely everything. Some days were good some days were rough....but they were alot better than any of my best drinking days!! Slowly, gradually.....ONE DAY AT A TIME...I was learning how to deal with life. I changed alot of things.....I changed my friends...sought out councelling had had my sons father held accountable with the law for what he had donr to my daughter...I got single!!!!!i LEARNED TO LIKE WHO i WAS AND TO REALIZE THAT i DID NOT NEED ANOTHER PERSONS LOVE AND APPROVAL TO BE A WORTHY PERSON!!! I came to terms with my Grandfathers death and actually had to deal with my other grandfathers death, in sobriety!!My son and I did not have a good relationship. He was deeply affected by my alcoholism. I have prayed and sought forgiveness for years in my sobriety and now I am happy to say that my son and I have a wonderful relationsip...and he has given me the most beautiful grandaughter too! My daughter is still having a rough time but I pray for her too and I have faith that my prayers will be answered. I worked through my issues with my parents( in councelling) and have let the past go. My parents did the best that they could and we are very close now. They now tell me that they love me all the time and it makes me feel good. My sis and bro and I get along great too! I have new friends...good ones, I love my life. I evenually met another recovering alcoholic and we have started a life together. I rather like this thing called life!! I have a frend that I talk to each and every day now. I speak to him like any other friend. He loves me and I know it.. I ask him for all sorts of things...and he usually helps me out...if he thinks the time is right!! He has put alot on my plate....all of my life...for whatever the reason. I think that he actually uses Heavens biggest platter for ME!!! But in good times and bad...I have always managed to deal with whatever he puts on it. Now in sobriety I am able to notice that good things that he generously heaps on my platter rather than only seeing the negative.. I think that the negative is there for a reason...we need to look deep into it and try to figure out what lesson could God be trying to teach us? I am so grateful for my full platter, Justine!!! Hang in there girl....Get your seatbelt on and ask God to shower you with his love like he has for me. Enjoy the ups and downs....thats life and its great to be alive!!! God Bless!!