Hi, FX4!
It sounds like you have some painful problems indeed. I think that you are asking one of the hardest questions that anyone with an extended disability can ask. I became disabled nearly ten years ago, out of the blue. Within a few years my wife left me, and I was relegated to only visiting my children. Even my family showed obvious discomfort and began to retreat from social interaction. Everything combined created in me a sense of self so low that I couldn't imagine being loved in a true relationship sort of way. But surprisingly I did.
For the past four years I have been dating a woman who is actually an RN (which is quite a plus) and we are talking of marriage now. While I cannot deny that my nerve-damage causes problems in our relationship, so far we've worked it out. There are lots of fights, to be sure, but we always remained focused on solving them quickly and not letting them fester. It is a hard thing for her to go to work everyday while I stay at home, even though I try hard to do what housework I can. She has to trust that I am being honest about my physical limits, or else she starts to wonder if she isn't being taken advantage of.
My GF and I are very open and honest with each other. We have to be. She has explained the stress of her care-giver syndrome, and I am careful to make sure she understands day-by-day what my own challenges are. We met because we are similar souls, but developing the relationship has been hard work, though definitely worth it.
What can I say that will help you here? That it is truly worth it, and you shouldn't give-up? There are a lot of people who don't want a relationship to seem like a sacrifice, and they may steer clear of you even if they wish things were different. It doesn't make them bad, nor do you sound like a bad person. One thing that surprises me is how open a lot of women are, especially ones who have been married before, to the idea of dating someone with a physical drawback. Women, it seems, are far more interested in personality than physicality, as long as you appreciate and are truly good to them. I don't know what you are capable of, but if you could volunteer to spend time helping others in support groups it can give you a chance to display your qualities for others to see. The best way to meet someone is still word-of-mouth.
It may seem that the best thing to do is to hide as much of your negative traits as possible from any prospective girlfriend, and that might make sense until you at least get a sense for each other's personalities. But after that I believe it is very important to be truthful about yourself and your condition. Remember, trust and love will be the mainstays of the relationship. It won't be pure physical attraction. Most of all I just wanted to tell you not to give up hope. Living life disabled without anyone to be close to is a special kind of sadness, and I don't wish it on anyone. Despite all the stuff we read in the news, there are still lots of really caring people out there. Don't be afraid to show them your love, and if it leads to it, your attraction. Act as normal as normal can be. Self confidence truly does breed confidence from others. And no matter what else happens, remember that you are a whole person, not just a partial one. Good luck to you, friend, and I hope things work out soon!
