Waves,
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See, I was pretty freaky deaky at the last permanent job I had, as well as another in my past. In both cases there were times when I was quite "off" when i was having episodes. In the earlier job, although pre-dx, I knew something was off because I felt like I couldn't "read people" like I normally could. Retrospectively I was out there. For starters I was paranoid: certain of being followed around and of being spied in my house via microcameras etc. That's in general. At work, I felt completely incompetent and was terrified of doing something wrong or just coming off badly. In both workplaces, I often felt I was just a hair away from being fired. Yet, in both cases, despite concrete behavioral shortcomings and errors indeed made, my value as perceived by others was not undermined. I am quite sure of this because in both cases, when I quit, decisive efforts were made to retain me.
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You went through a lot to keep those jobs. Your work was good but you were hyper aware of how you were perceived -- that vigilance essentially was a second job on top of the job you were already doing.
A few months ago, one of my friends was running a meeting with me sitting next to him. He was distressed and really upset by the end of the meeting )(He is usually very calm.) He was troubled afterwards and told me how much chaos/ tension/ interupting, off task talk had been going on(can''t remember what term he used). I was causing most of the problem but he did not see it that way because we are friends.
I did decide to miss the next too meetings so he would not have a chance to figure out that I was a problem.
I am carrying on too much.
Wil stop for now.
M