Dear Bobby

I think it's great that you already went through the list and took those names down. try to soothe yourself. maybe tomorrow you can call one of them.

given your ambivalence, i personally think it would be better to leave Dr M. for last... my thought is suppose you met one of the other docs and want to give them a chance... it may work out or it may not, but if it does it could be very helpful.

if you went to Dr M, and then for whatever reason, left again and then the new person didn't work, i'd be afraid your options to see Dr. M would be burned at that point - most docs would not allow a person to "yoyo" back and forth. if possibilities are exhausted, then going back to Dr. M makes sense... if you think you can deal with the availability issues on top of the complacency.

If you feel most comfortable seeing Dr M for now, one way I can see to do this is to ask him upfront if he can "help you out temporarily" while you find someone more accessible. You can be totally honest and tell him you are scared. I mean I'd be having horrible feelings of abandonment from what happened - and that turnabout all in one session! He knows you left him because of accessibility issues, so if you put it as needing a hand in the interim, it wouldn't be like running back to him. Then all the cards are on the table. If you end up wanting to stay with him... that could happen. But if you didn't, it would not rule out his helping you out in the future if need be.

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regarding the meds, Dr M may not have made the same choices the other doc did but he will respect your regimen as part and parcel of your working with a different professional - with different ideas. it's not like you "disobeyed' him. i don't even think he will necessarily try to put you back on, if your feedback about the changes made is positive.

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do something good for yourself tonight. maybe have a scented bubblebath or brush Pudge and close your eyes and feel her fur against your skin. anything to try and take the tension down. tomorrow you can step up to the plate again. you did very well today.

lots of love

waves