Thanks Ginnie and Chaos. Sooo much.
I might have offended some people. I'm sorry for that. Obviously I am very angry at how sh**y life has been. I've been blessed with horrible mental illness as well, so I am very very rarely feeling good both physically and mentally. I always have a full plate when it comes to health problems.
I know we can't disprove God, but I am a see it to believe it kind of person. Or at least feel it ! Lol.
I've had so many doctors, that I can't even count. I always seem to be given up on or given bad advice, no hope, have to wait and wait and wait, or am not listened to.I'm now being referred to a rheumatologist . Referrals here take 8-10 months. My pain doc has me on the fentanyl patch which is just awful. Headaches, fatigue, hot flashes, inconsistent pain relief..I asked to change but he doesn't want me having a relationship with pills again, given my mental problems. It really works against me.
Today I've had the burning pins and needles practically everywhere. Anxiety through the roof, depression, anger..you name it. I don't have many friends because of my situation. I no longer have any men in my life either. I think of online dating and then figure I have nothing to offer.
I try to get out, work, see friends, family, walk, learn guitar, read books ,etc. But I never feel happy . People make me anxious a lot. I constantly have a tight feeling
in my chest and depressing thoughts. I just want to sleep lately. When I wake up I roll my eyes and say oh great, back to reality...
I'm afraid of being at the doctor too much so I suffer in silence between appointments.
Now I may have tinnitus in my left ear. Great!!

You are an inspiration to me, although I feel like my mental problems compound my situation into one large s**t sandwich lol.
Its hard not to want to give up. I turn 30 this year. I feel like life is already over.
But, I always have a small flame that burns within me, a sense of hope. Something that keeps me wondering if tomorrow something great will happen to get me out of this dark place.
I keep getting out of bed every day, so I guess it could be worse. .
Love feather