You still have that flame inside. That is the spark of life, cling to it. I have felt as you do, depressed, worthless, dealing with alot of loss. I struggle too. There are alot of us here dealing with pain and mental problems. Well with pain, the mental problems just happen. I was DX as bi-polar at 61 years old. Had no idea up until this year. All I know as I lost it a couple of times.

Reading like you do is great. Anything you can do to pull yourself out of the depression helps. Even sitting in the sunshine. I can't say it is easy, but I do have the help I need with a good medical team. I so hope that you can find the people who will listen to you. That is the key to getting out of the rut. If there is any way you can continue to search for medical care, that is what I would tell you. No joke I interviewed 4 pain specialists, until I found that one, who took what I said seriously and responded. There was kindness too. Things got better after I found the right care.

Friends, yep lost those too. You know who are really your friends, when you are in real trouble. Those that ditch you, well, do you need them anyway?????
Those that stick, they are a true gift. I have just a few, who I consider real confidents. No judgement, just compassion. Two, and I feel blessed.
I lost a friend of 15 years earlier this year, as I couldn't stop yelling. One of the times I lost it. I had some stuff to yell about, and sometimes it just has to come out. It was my fault, but my temper just got the better of me. The anger, I still have trouble with too, just like you do.

I stay with Neuro Talk , as the compassion and friendships that develope help to get you through those ruff spots, where all is bleak, and it feels hopeless. Leesa who is here, was the first to help me out. Even went on the chat line to help calm me down. She is awsome.

I am here to talk to anytime feather. We all need someone. I also thought if you post near where you live, someone may know a physician in your area who has what you need. Somebody on Neuro Talk, may know some avenue you have not explored yet. Just keep talking and posting.

You have the divine spark still kicking around inside you. You just have to be stronger than the problems that you face. Get mad about it, you have a right to feel bad and mad. Channel it into something good if you can.

I also have one dear friend of 35 years. He happens to be a psychologist that I dated briefly about 35 years ago! Parents without partners group. I know he would talk to you if you needed someone in that regard. He is the one that got me through the ruff spots.

If you had to list, the things that you need in order of importance, what would they be? If you can tackle just one thing at a time, it lessens the burden.
I sure will do all I can to help you, talk to you, and try to figure out where you might seek help.

In most communities, there are womens centers. They find the help you may need. Maybe have references you have not thought of before.

You are not alone Feather. You can PM me anytime and I will respond to you.
I am an avid reader, insanely so..... I also listen to Bob Dylan alot. We can talk about some good books. Age has nothing to do with friendhship. I want to be in your corner and give you some hope. Religion has nothing to do with it either. Hope is what keeps people going. Have a good night feather. Know that someone cares about you. Let me know what those things are that you need the most. ginnie